Trying to distract myself

So, I am sure if your a parent you have been through this, my children have decided that sleeping is not a good thing for them these days so I had to put them in their beds and let them fall asleep on their own. So to stop myself from going in there I have decided to ramble here, ooooh goodie goodie gumdrops!! I love gumdrops they are delicious. I have not written a blog post for a while, the last one was kind of negative, whoopsy. I felt negative at that moment, but I rarely feel negative these days, things are looking up not because some miraculous thing happened, but because I have decided to take all the bad things that were happening to me in life and learn from them. Life really is a gift, and yes I will probably curse those words at times, but really I have discovered a lot about myself in the last year and 3 months and I have changed quite a bit. I am now comfortable in my own skin, which I think is a very hard thing to accomplish and also a very crucial thing to have to be happy. A lot of what I have based my opinion of myself on is what others thought of me, I have done that my whole life, and the silliest thing is the opinions I was basing that on were opinions that I myself made up. That doesn't even make any sense I know. I don't know about anyone else but I am my worst critic, and to pretend that I had a high self esteem I would pretend that others were critical of me even though it was me that was critical of myself. Oh how my mind works its crazy. I am putting a stop to that, one of the best things I have heard lately that really stuck with me was "the opinions others have of you are none of your business". I never thought of it that way, instead of spending my whole life trying to make other people think I was awesome (which was going to eventually drive me crazy) I can just be who I want to be and others are going to think what they want to about me and I really have no control over what their opinion is of what I am doing, why? because they are entitled to their opinion, doesn't mean that what others think of me is true, and who cares its what I think of myself and what I do that is going to shape the kind of person I am. I have always been considerate and kind to others. If I have hurt someones feelings it wasn't on purpose, yes I do make the occasional sarcastic joke that has hurt someones feelings. I did not make the joke to hurt their feelings, it is a fault I have that I will try to work on, but I do not like tearing other people down. That does not make me happy in the slightest. I prefer to see people happy and if they want to be happy with me then that's awesome!! please lets be happy friends. This does not mean that when you are having a hard time in life I am going to ignore you, I will be there for you to no one is ever happy all of the time, if you think you are then you are either crazy or there is something seriously wrong that you are hiding from the rest of the world. I am a firm believer that you need to experience pain, and trail to truly appreciate the good times and the blessings you have in life. Life is not about the things that happen to us its about the way we react to them. I have had my share of trails recently, and I hope I never have to go through as hard of a time as I have ever again but now that some time has passed I can look back and see why all of it had to happen. If I never got a divorce I would have never found myself, I was so devoted to making my husband happy and trying to be the "perfect wife" that I lost track of who I was, and I just became the woman that I thought my husband wanted. Do you think that helped me in the slightest? No it didn't, I thought if I was "perfect" then my husband would always love me and never want to leave. What I ended up doing was the exact opposite, instead I got no respect and he didn't see me as a person anymore, just a doormat that would try to please him no matter what happened. What happened I take some responsibility for, should he have taken advantage of my kindness? No absolutely not and that is not fair, but I also should have showed him that I was a person and someone who deserved respect and that I had feelings even if he didn't always agree with them. I have definitely learned from that and I actually think him and I are on the path to having a healthier friendship then we have ever had. Not there yet but I can see it happening as long as I don't fall back on old habits. I still am kind, just not to the point where others can take advantage of that anymore. I now know that although I really don't need a significant other to make me happy, if there is someone out there that wants to spend time with me and I feel the same way that's great, I am now more attracted to actions of a man and how he handles life then the physical appearance. I mean there does need to be some physical attraction there, but what makes a man amazing is his ability to get through life and learn and grow from it. The mistakes you have made in the past don't matter as long as you have learned from them and made yourself better because of them. I have made mistakes I am not perfect by any means. The mistakes I made hurt me more then they hurt anyone else but I still need to learn from them and I continue to learn from them every day. I do not blame anyone else for where I am in life, I am where I am because of the decisions I made, I have regrets, I have made mistakes, but I have also made a lot of good decisions and life has turned out ok, I am sure my trails are not over and I may be negative at times but I am going to do what I can to learn from it and keep people who respect and appreciate me around me. I will do everything I can to return the respect and appreciation. I am so grateful for my trails, and my broken heart did bring me the best two things a person could ask for my boys! Love is a beautiful thing, it may not always last but beautiful things can come from it. I am looking forward to falling in love again and if my heart gets broken then so be it lets hope it doesn't. I am never going to regret falling in love though it has brought me the most happiness and the most pain, but like I said if it didn't bring pain then I would never truly appreciate the good things when I have them. I am done rambling now miss you already.