Ryan Darton is the man!

Hey everyone, I know this is not the theme of my blog and I wouldn't do this if I didn't think he was awesome! I want to give a shout out to Ryan Darton, not only is he an amazing person but he is also an amazing musician, my 1 and 1/2 year old is currently dancing to his new album 'I Am A Moth' that was released July 24th. If you haven't already heard of him go check him out you wont regret it http://ryandarton.com. My favorite song on the album is I Am a Moth just in case you want to check it out. Ok I am done for now, I will write a new post soon, until then... peace out.

Trying to distract myself

So, I am sure if your a parent you have been through this, my children have decided that sleeping is not a good thing for them these days so I had to put them in their beds and let them fall asleep on their own. So to stop myself from going in there I have decided to ramble here, ooooh goodie goodie gumdrops!! I love gumdrops they are delicious. I have not written a blog post for a while, the last one was kind of negative, whoopsy. I felt negative at that moment, but I rarely feel negative these days, things are looking up not because some miraculous thing happened, but because I have decided to take all the bad things that were happening to me in life and learn from them. Life really is a gift, and yes I will probably curse those words at times, but really I have discovered a lot about myself in the last year and 3 months and I have changed quite a bit. I am now comfortable in my own skin, which I think is a very hard thing to accomplish and also a very crucial thing to have to be happy. A lot of what I have based my opinion of myself on is what others thought of me, I have done that my whole life, and the silliest thing is the opinions I was basing that on were opinions that I myself made up. That doesn't even make any sense I know. I don't know about anyone else but I am my worst critic, and to pretend that I had a high self esteem I would pretend that others were critical of me even though it was me that was critical of myself. Oh how my mind works its crazy. I am putting a stop to that, one of the best things I have heard lately that really stuck with me was "the opinions others have of you are none of your business". I never thought of it that way, instead of spending my whole life trying to make other people think I was awesome (which was going to eventually drive me crazy) I can just be who I want to be and others are going to think what they want to about me and I really have no control over what their opinion is of what I am doing, why? because they are entitled to their opinion, doesn't mean that what others think of me is true, and who cares its what I think of myself and what I do that is going to shape the kind of person I am. I have always been considerate and kind to others. If I have hurt someones feelings it wasn't on purpose, yes I do make the occasional sarcastic joke that has hurt someones feelings. I did not make the joke to hurt their feelings, it is a fault I have that I will try to work on, but I do not like tearing other people down. That does not make me happy in the slightest. I prefer to see people happy and if they want to be happy with me then that's awesome!! please lets be happy friends. This does not mean that when you are having a hard time in life I am going to ignore you, I will be there for you to no one is ever happy all of the time, if you think you are then you are either crazy or there is something seriously wrong that you are hiding from the rest of the world. I am a firm believer that you need to experience pain, and trail to truly appreciate the good times and the blessings you have in life. Life is not about the things that happen to us its about the way we react to them. I have had my share of trails recently, and I hope I never have to go through as hard of a time as I have ever again but now that some time has passed I can look back and see why all of it had to happen. If I never got a divorce I would have never found myself, I was so devoted to making my husband happy and trying to be the "perfect wife" that I lost track of who I was, and I just became the woman that I thought my husband wanted. Do you think that helped me in the slightest? No it didn't, I thought if I was "perfect" then my husband would always love me and never want to leave. What I ended up doing was the exact opposite, instead I got no respect and he didn't see me as a person anymore, just a doormat that would try to please him no matter what happened. What happened I take some responsibility for, should he have taken advantage of my kindness? No absolutely not and that is not fair, but I also should have showed him that I was a person and someone who deserved respect and that I had feelings even if he didn't always agree with them. I have definitely learned from that and I actually think him and I are on the path to having a healthier friendship then we have ever had. Not there yet but I can see it happening as long as I don't fall back on old habits. I still am kind, just not to the point where others can take advantage of that anymore. I now know that although I really don't need a significant other to make me happy, if there is someone out there that wants to spend time with me and I feel the same way that's great, I am now more attracted to actions of a man and how he handles life then the physical appearance. I mean there does need to be some physical attraction there, but what makes a man amazing is his ability to get through life and learn and grow from it. The mistakes you have made in the past don't matter as long as you have learned from them and made yourself better because of them. I have made mistakes I am not perfect by any means. The mistakes I made hurt me more then they hurt anyone else but I still need to learn from them and I continue to learn from them every day. I do not blame anyone else for where I am in life, I am where I am because of the decisions I made, I have regrets, I have made mistakes, but I have also made a lot of good decisions and life has turned out ok, I am sure my trails are not over and I may be negative at times but I am going to do what I can to learn from it and keep people who respect and appreciate me around me. I will do everything I can to return the respect and appreciation. I am so grateful for my trails, and my broken heart did bring me the best two things a person could ask for my boys! Love is a beautiful thing, it may not always last but beautiful things can come from it. I am looking forward to falling in love again and if my heart gets broken then so be it lets hope it doesn't. I am never going to regret falling in love though it has brought me the most happiness and the most pain, but like I said if it didn't bring pain then I would never truly appreciate the good things when I have them. I am done rambling now miss you already.

Honesty about Pain

Oh how I appreciate honesty. Especially when it is about the embarassing or painful things in your life, why? because then you know your life is as screwed up as everyone elses is. I have found that most people who brag about what an awesome time they are having with life are not happy and they are hiding behind some fake front to make others believe how cool they are. I apologize this post is probably not going to be very uplifting because I am not in the best mood at the moment, I decided to come here and post to vent my anger frustration and pain. Why should I have to hide from everyone that I am still in pain from the things that have happened to me. My wish is not to talk down about anyone or bash on anyone, I don't find that productive at all, most people who hide the special kind of bastard that they really are, end up showing their true colors and they can have the superficial friendships that they build to make themselves feel better while hiding the person that they really are. If everyone was honest life would be so much easier. I can not tell you how big of a relief it is when someone is honest with me. If the honesty that your sharing is going to hurt someone else then you probably have a reason to be ashamed but wouldn't it just be easier to say " hey I screwed up, I am not proud of it (or you are depending on what kind of morals you have) sorry it effected you I will do what I can to not make that mistake again". Yes that honesty would hurt, but in the long run it would be nice. This is not in my character at all but screw it FUCK selfish people. I am not talking about a particular person just the whole group of people that only think about themselves. Why is it that someone could spend their whole life being kind to others and get taken advantage of so much. It is a rare thing in this world to find someone who is truely a good person and worth spending your time with. I have been working on honesty and being upfront, it has helped me out quite a bit, I still have a lot to learn because I am obviously still hurting. I said I wasn't perfect I am at a point in my life where I am questioning everything I have ever believed in, my life has turned upside down and I hope I come out of it a better person, but I can not tell you that I will, I feel like I am losing it and you know what thats ok, I need to lose it at the moment. I talked to my brother the other day, and he is a very good person to talk to he told me life is what it is, its not fair and sometimes you just need to lose your mind. I think that is very good advise so I am allowing myself to lose it I am going to stop my emotions from taking me where I need to go to heal from this hell hole of a year I have had. The love I have is unconditional, I can't help that, that's who I am. To bad I have wasted that love on people who don't appreciate it. I need to give that love to myself at the moment sorry friends and family I am stretched to thin at the moment I am snapping, I will come back from this, probably tomorrow but for this moment peace out I am sick of hearing you complain about a life that most of the problems you have came from your own doing. Actions speak louder than words, if your an asshole your actions show that your an asshole no matter what your words are saying or how sorry you feel. I hope your happy with the person you have become, and that you feel good about the people you have hurt with your actions, because your obviously doing something that is helping you sleep at night, good for you. Now leave me alone. To all the people that have been there for me through the hardest time I have ever had in my life, thank you, you are among the few good people that I have come across and you know who you are, you have always been there when I needed you the most and thats what a true friend is not superficial. Seriously thank you. To all the people that have contributed to making my life a living hell and helping stomp me down into the hole that I am trying to dig myself out of, thank you for showing me that life is not a fairytale and that you can not trust even the people you love the most. This will make me stronger but right now I am to hurt to look at the positive. Keep telling your lies that help you feel like a better person so you can sleep at night and have fun with your new friends that you will learn to take advantage of in some way. Sincerely, the doormat you got sick of and gave away.

Society has it wrong

Hello everyone and welcome to another ramble from the late night of Ellie. My three followers will be happy to read this, ha ha. I have been thinking a lot lately about love and what it means. It almost seems that in society (at least the one I grew up in) that finding a partner and falling in love is the only important thing you will do with your life. Most people take it as far as not being happy unless they have a partner even if they are unhappy in their relationship. What does it matter if you don't have a significant other? Don't get me wrong I loved being in a relationship and I think you learn a lot from being with another person and being able to share a part of you with them that no one else knows. There is something special about the comfort that brings, and I truely hope that I find that again one day. What I am saying is it is not mandatory for me to find that to be happy with where I am at in life or to make that decide if I feel complete or not. Love is a gift, it doesn't have to be with a significant other, love is in everything. You can love a friend, your children, your family, your pets. Love is very important it is the only thing you will take with you when you die. You wont take the person with you but you will leave behind the person you were and most of our decisions are based on love. So yes I do want a significant other, and yes it would be nice to have someone to rely on again. However that is not all I think about and I will be patient to find the right kind of partner, someone who will let me be myself and love me for that. Not criticize me for my dorkiness, I like to dance in grocery stores while I am picking out which cookies to buy thats me it makes life fun! I need someone who appreciates that, bonus would be someone who would join me. For now I find love in friendship, family and my children. I am a very blessed person I have a lot of wonderful people in my life who are true friends and would do anything for me. I only hope that I can live up to the person they think I am. Every single person in life deserves happiness. Yes even my ex deserves happiness and I hope he finds it. I may not say that every day but right now that is how I feel. I have a feeling good things are coming, even though when it rains it pours, and believe me it has been pouring in my life for quite some time. Eventually the sun comes out and brightens our day even if its one small thing at a time. Life is to short to live it sad and spend all of our time looking for a partner. Live in the moment have fun with life, love life! Today is a gift that we can not take for granted because we only have one chance to enjoy it. I was watching kung fu panda yesterday and it has a really cool saying in it, "yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift thats why we call it the present" what a wise kung fu master turtle guy. I love childrens shows by the way, totally of the subject but thank you Merrick for giving me a great excuse to watch all the movies that I enjoy, they make for good times and giggle fights. Also a great friend of mine sariah came up with a new sport, it is now my favorite and I want to start a team. Tickle football! ha ha ha to much fun. Okay I am going now because I am starting to ramble with any nonsense that comes to my mind until next time. aaaachooo, I mean adu or something like that.

Questions about cows

I love questions about cows! ha ha just kidding but I am going to give you my answers to some cow like questions though. first one being:
Q: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Ellie Answer: It's all about the advertising, you give a free sample get them addicted and then charge as much as you want as long as the milk is good enough, then no one can live without that cow.
Second Cow Question
Q:Why get hamburgers when you have steak and potatoes at home?
Ellie Answer: Hamburgers are easier! sure your stomach may hurt afterwards and your only satified for a short amount of time, but if you put your time into cooking those steak and potatoes you will never regret the outcome, it takes time and effort to make something delicious and beautiful.
Speaking of questions answered by Ellie, I had a good friend of mine (Merry Brown) suggest I start a dear Ellie blog, or even answer questions. If someone would like my opinion on something and they want it posted on a blog or just a personal answer back feel free to e-mail me I am setting up the following e-mail just for this purpose Dearjelliebean@gmail.com. If you want to participate in this I would be happy to answer otherwise, please continue to read this blog as I will continue to post things.

Love my two followers already Katherine and Rachel you are good sisters!

First Blog Post Ever!

Oh looky here I started a blog, this is facinating already I can tell. I can't sleep at the moment and I usually just lie in bed and think but I figure, hey maybe if I write it down I will stop thinking about it and actually fall asleep. So.... I am going to ramble until I am tired, lucky you if you decide to read this you are in for a good time with your friend Ellie. Woot woot. This one I feel is going to be serious, don't you worry I can funny sometimes to. I have been thinking about life a lot lately, I have been through a lot in the last year, a lot of things that I can honestly say I am grateful for. Don't get me wrong, they were aweful and very painful but I have learned a lot along the way and I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything. I am in no way shape or form perfect I never will be, I don't think anyone ever is. However, I can be the best version of me possible and I think that is pretty cool.
If your reading this you probably know who I am so you know that my husband and I seperated this year while I was 3 months pregnant. Even though being denied by the person you love especially while pregnant is extremely painful, I am so thankful I was pregnant, I got the best blessing anyone could ask for my son harper. As far as I am concerned him and his brother kept me going when otherwise I may have just disappeared in my bed for a while. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, I had more support than anyone could have dreamed of. I realized from this experience that I am very blessed. Being nice and treating people with respect has a way of paying off when you need it the most.
I used to think that kindness was a weakness, because I listened to other peoples opinions about it, but I completely disagree with that now, I have thought about this and kindness is a strength, a very big strength. I could be angry and hate everyone that has ever done anything bad to me in my life but being kind to the person that hurt you the most is an extremly hard thing to do and something that most people can not do. It would have been so easy to be mean and hide in the hate and anger I felt. I learned (mostly because of my boys) that just because someone does something to you that is completely unfair and probably something that you didn't deserve doesn't mean you need to lose the person that you are.
People can do whatever they want to me in life, it is my decision how to deal with the trails that come and either learn from them or use them to make excuses about how aweful my life is. Trails are something that will define your life, they can do that in a positive way or in a very negative way. I refuse to change who I am just because someone may look at that as a weakness. Yes I have been angry and hurt and confused. I still feel hurt and confused most of the time but life is to short to let that anger, hurt and confusion define who I am as a person.
I like being nice so I am going to be nice, however if your one of those people that think that just because I am nice you can take advantage of my kindness, think again. I still have boundries, I will be nice to you but if you want something that is unreasonable from me because you think I will just be nice about it and you wont have to deal with the consiquences of your actions you are living in a dream. I am done letting other people control my life, I have done that for far to long and it has made me feel hollow and empty inside. The last 7 months I have learned to be happy on my own and make decisions because I genuinely want to.
I have also worked on my honesty, I am not hiding who I am just because you may not agree with the person that I am. I like me, I have always liked who I am. If you want to be a part of my life because you enjoy being around me then cool, but dont come into my life thinking that you need to change me, what you see is what you get if you don't like that then stay away. I am not perfect I am who I am, not everyone will like who I am that is why there are so many people on this planet because we are not all going to get along or chose to live the same lifestyle as someone else.
If you are part of my life its because I feel blessed to have you as part of my life, I will put as much effort into a friendship as you want to and as much effort as I am comfortable with. Please stop taking advantage of the people that are kind and loving, it is such a rare thing to find these days and most kind people are tainted by someone who was selfish and decided to take advantage. I will always try to see people for the best person they can be and find a way to enjoy and learn from having that person in my life.
I love my family and friends so much, I know everyone says that. I am so grateful for the love and support I have it is very rare that someone can say that they have a lot of true friends. I believe that if you are kind and treat others the way you want to be treated you will be rewarded. Yes if you are kind then you will get hurt, and you will get taken advantage of by the people who see kindness as a weakness and it may taint the person that you are, all I ask is that you try not to lose who you are, over someone elses selfish decisions. Being hurt sucks but only you can decide what you do with the pain you feel from being betrayed. I am choosing to still look at people for the best person they can be but I am going to be more careful about who I trust with my heart. I will not be pushed around but I am not going to be angry and spiteful because of the things that happened to me. I am just going to be me, if you see that as a weakness or as me not having respect for myself, then you don't get it and you probably never will, have fun taking advantage of the kind people its only going to make you feel alone and empty in the end because eventually everyone sees you for who you are, you can only hide your true self for so long before everyone eventually sees it. The truth always has a way of showing itself, if you are the person you want to be and you are considerate with your actions then you will have nothing to be ashamed of.
That doesn't mean you wont make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes if you don't think you do then either you don't get out much or your lying to yourself. Its what you do with your mistakes that shows the kind of person you are. You can either blame everyone else for the mistakes you made or take responsibility for your actions, move on and become a better person because of them.
I am done rambling now, I will probably ramble again soon. Good night miss you already.